What kind of embryo donor-recipient relationship is right for me?
Some of the biggest questions both donors and recipients ponder as they’re going down the path of embryo adoption is “What are my options?” “What relationship do I want to have with the other family?” and “How will I feel about knowing a family that is raising the sibling of my child?” There are good reasons for any choice.
What are my options?
While many fertility clinics only offer closed/undisclosed donations, and traditional adoption agencies only open adoption, in embryo adoption, a full spectrum of options are feasible. It is only important that the donating and receiving families have the same perspective about their prospective relationship.
OPEN RELATIONSHIP
An open relationship means that you share contact information, so that you can connect directly. It can range from simply reaching out to ask questions, sharing updates, to regular in person get-togethers. An open relationship does not demand a commitment for communication type or cadence. You may reside in the same neighborhood or across the country, which will play a role in how often and in which format you’re able to coordinate interaction.
Those who choose this option consider that they want to give their offspring the option to know more about themselves and their origins and potentially to know their genetic connections in the world.
Recipients and donors currently in open relationships share that they feel a strong sense of connection, and happy to offer their children relationships with their genetic siblings, when it feels right, but it doesn’t need to be frequent or immediate.
Within the OPEN construct, families can choose:
High Interaction Open: You really want the children to know each other, and develop that genetic bond one might have with a cousin, for example, even if a long distance cousin. You embrace the idea of building a modern family, and desire to foster a relationship among the adults before the kids are old enough to decide for themselves. You'd like the children to be able to develop a bond from an early age, so regular interaction, whether a playdate (as permitted by proximity) or simply a messaging connection, feels comfortable to you.
Low Interaction Open: You're happy to communicate directly and share email addresses/phone numbers, though you’d like to exist largely independently until the children are old enough to decide that they would like to know one another, and then you facilitate that engagement happily - giving the offspring opportunity to make their own choices. You’re happy to communicate, maybe not at a high cadence, and don't plan to spend a lot (or any) time together. You may be happy to receive holiday cards, or share pictures and updates sometimes, and even Facetime so that the children can meet when they're old enough to appreciate it, but you don't plan to add an "extended family" unless and until offspring drive it.
Feelings may also change throughout the journey and lifetime, and that’s okay! When agreeing to an open relationship, we work with you and the partner family to establish the agreement that is comfortable for you. And once you have your children, you can expand that relationship organically if you choose!
Considerations to alleviate common fears:
Even in an open relationship, there is no risk that the donor or recipient could “change their mind” post-birth. The legal documents establish full transfer of ownership, and the “parent” is the recipient.
Research indicates that children, even when exposed very early in life to their origin story, are easily able to differentiate between mom and dad and the families who donated the embryos.
SEMI-OPEN RELATIONSHIP
Families can choose not to share contact information, but allow communication through a 3rd party portal.
This option is right for you if you want to keep the door open to give offspring and the genetic siblings in another family the option to learn more about themselves when they are old enough to be curious and developing their sense of self (perhaps at 5 - 7 yrs old, or at 17!), to send updates, or to ask questions about medical or other issues that might have genetic components, for example.
With this option, there is also an opportunity to open the relationship to share contact information down the road if both families are amenable. Both families can simply agree to share information when they’re ready.
This is a common starting point for those who are not sure how they feel and want to allow for flexibility and access down the road.
See Considerations in OPEN relationships - they apply to SEMI-OPEN, too!
DONOR-IDENTIFICATION at 18 YEARS OLD
Donor-identification allows for the child conceived via donor embryo to obtain contact information for the donors when they reach 18 years old. The families remain de-identified, with no contact, until the 18+ yr old offspring requests contact information. This option keeps the door open to allow offspring to choose to reach out if they want to learn more about their heritage as adults, but they must wait until they’re of age. Not all offspring are curious. Those who are typically want to learn about their roots, and about genetic siblings.
Considerations:
Again, there is no parentage risk in any of these options.
Few donors choose Donor-ID Disclosure
CLOSED
Embryo Connections does not facilitate closed donations. You are more likely to find this option with a clinic based program.
A closed relationship means that families do not share identifying information. The agency manages the physical and legal transfer of the embryos, so that there is no connection to the donor family.
You would choose this option to ensure that families remain insular as the children grow up. There is not an ability to change this agreement, so it’s important to think carefully about your children’s future interests when making this choice.
Considerations:
Very few donors choose Closed.
With direct to consumer genetic screening tools such as 23 & Me, it is not possible to assume lifelong anonymity.
Photo by Emily Elizabeth